Mummy

What is truly left of a person after they die? She wondered. It was a lazy Friday afternoon , S’s college wouldn’t open for another month at the least and the Chennai heat was doing its usual wonders. An afternoon well suited for endless T.V marathons and phone calls to plan useless beach meetings with her school friend. Yet her brain wouldn’t compromise today! Her mind wandered past countless thoughts while her fingers fiddled with the ring which belonged to her recently deceased grandmother.

It was a sturdy little ring , silver in colour and probably made of it too. It had a little black stone embedded onto it. An understated , rough little ring which was simple yet elegant at the same time. It used to grace her grandmother’s hand roughly a month back. She wore it regularly nowadays. It helped her to remember a person she loved

.

Not in the intense , immediate , breatheless way that hits after their death in a few days.

But in a more melancholic , quite , sad way which washes you gently yet completely

When a random old lady wears red sari like Mummy did and walks purposefully on the road

When anyone forced her to eat even she had already stated 84 times before that , that she wasn’t hungry.

When they mentioned an incident involving her sweet grandmother

Grandmother.. She was never allowed to call her that.

Mummy was pretty insistent that everyone should call her mummy ,

Or alas! Her youthful energy might suddenly disappear.

She was a tough old bird who worked in the hospital as a nurse till the day she fell ill ,

She was admitted for a small illness and passed away rather suddenly.

So abruptly that I never got to say goodbye properly.

Can’t narrate in 3^rd person anymore – I’m sorry.

I was in Pune preparing for my exams when my mummy bid adieu to this world.

Even though I couldn’t be with her that day physically I believe I connected with her soul.

Or how else could I have a dream with her the exact same day she passed away.

The dream was after I heard the news – not claiming Nostradamus like powers here.

It may have been my brain’s way of consoling my heart.

It was so real that I still hold on to it today and can visualise it pretty clearly.

Me and Mummy were together watching a movie in a theatre

Funny , because we have never done that together before. We always watched movies in her favourite  Ktv channel ( she wouldn’t change it even during ad breaks!) or old CDs of some classic Kamal film.

I find the movie boring and walk out. Probably reflects how I was pretty absent around her the last time we met..

Then there I am checking out clothes in the mall and mummy comes right behind me , I look very surprised to see her and give her a hug. I am not a big hugger but I still remember how I hugged her in that dream. She was wearing a grey colour silk saree and I was holding on to her like I’ll never let go.

And I still remember the crying and telling her , “ I’m so sorry mummy” , I  wasn’t aware that she passed away in the dream.. and I suddenly woke up and realised I’ll never get to watch a movie with her or hug her ever again.

That realization was one of the worst moments of my life. I cried forever , my roommate freaked out and had to lock our room door. It was bad.

Reverting back to 3^rd person.

Now here she was - almost 37 days later. Still rotating her grandmom’s ring.

People say time heals all wounds. The wound still exists. The pain too. We just learn to live with it.

Just learn to live without mummy.

Without her the world was definitely a less better place. Less brighter. Less patriotic. Less everything.

She was left with more sadness than before with all the thinking. What else did she expect?

This post isn’t about mummy or her awesomeness per se. It is about coping and belated grieving and search for closure I realize.

I also realize that I have been constantly shifting from first to third person. Reflects my mental state maybe.

I know you all will apologize. Mummy definitely will.

She was such an amazing woman. Obsessed with gods. More obsessed with serving people. She wanted us to join the army or be doctors. Whatever she did she gave it her all. I still remember the banana milkshake she made me once :D She has been through a LOT . Stuff which I hope never happens to any other woman. Things I can’t reveal in the name of family privacy.

She bounced back with so much optimism that I bet that the gods, she was so obsessed with, could have done nothing but grin at this old looking young woman – frail looking strong woman.

I still remember mummy giving her phone number to a pseudo religious guy and when we told her how unsafe it was , she wanted to change numbers lol

She was one of a kind and is irreplaceable.

I love her and miss her,

Please come back mummy! :’(

Confessions

 13^th may 2015

Wednesday

Forgive me father , for I have sinned. I have always wanted to go to a church and make grand confessions to a calm priest. But that never seems to work out in my favour. So in this mini diary entry , I register my random private thoughts – which are not sins per se and fit more into the heading of confessions. I want the inevitable someone who peeps into this diary to know that I'm not high , embarrassed or drunk – right now at this moment at least.

1.       I didn't learn Hindi not because of some big moral principle of solidarity for my state’s culture but because I was too lazy (still am) to learn a new language which didn't immediately affect my then near future . Although, necessity forced me to understand it somewhat eventually.

2.     

  I'm proud of being a ‘tomboy’ or the opposite of my general stereotype as a girl. And , that has led me to hide that I actually enjoy romantic movies much more than action ones.

3.     

 I'm ashamed of Surya as an actor nowadays. I fell in love with the guy who excelled in multiple offbeat yet catch roles. Either the star in him as eaten the actor completely or he has very bad taste in choosing his scripts. I just wish the old surya is back. I hate the post 2011 Surya. * That was tough to admit, even on paper* I still hope that his next movie will bring a turnaround. I have been waiting for 5 years now.

4.   

    I hate the Kolkata Knight Riders because of  a) Sharukh Khan b) their arrogance ( Cough cough Gambhir) and c) … because they are damn good as a team and the only serious threat to Chennai Super Kings overall.

5.      

I find it uncool to admit that I prefer Tamil music over English music. Harris Jayaraj any day . *sheepish grin*

6.    

   I don’t think I'm serious enough to be a lawyer. But I do know that I’ll get there eventually. If I start soon.

7.      

I’m a very self centered person and I really don’t listen when others talk about their life stories and that in turn makes me feel guilty because I impose my life story on everyone through this blog.

8.      

I can seriously can keep going. But sane enough to know that honesty is not often the best policy even in the seemingly safest places.

9.    

   I’m going to make this into a blogpost. 

 Final one - Nowadays , I enjoy Tv shows much more than books. And that is blasphemous in my world. So , forgive me lord for I have sinned.

So , in the spirit of confessions readers are requested to share some poignant truth about themselves :P can be pointless too. But an honest revelation!

The guilty hypocrite

When I renamed my blog , I promised myself that I would write only about topics which absolutely gripped me and mattered to me. Filling space is easy. But filling space is why I write exams. I want my words to matter here. It is not my intention to not write in this pretty blog but college life , examinations , holidays - basically life makes it tough to stay true to your other commitments.
And with that assurance of my bona fide intentions,  I begin with this post.

What do you do
When you wake up one day
And find out that
your entire life was a lie?
Not in a Paranoid Schizophrenia way
Oh no sir!
Something which is more subtle yet
equally life altering.

Every positive thought
Every negative one,
Which you may or may have not
admitted to yourself ,
About yourself -
Turns out to be
TRUE!

What do you do
When you wake up one day
And find out that
You are your worst nightmare?

You are everything
You asked others not to be .
In short . you never practised
but  screeched what you preached!

Do you let your new found hypocrisy
eat you up alive?
or
throw up all over the place?

Do you change your morals or your actions?
Or do you wait for this overwhelming wave
of hypocritical disgust which has hit you
to recede back with time
so that you continue to be yourself?

Hope that time will make you
forget this discomfiting discovery ,
so that you can 'move on'
with your self concept intact.

Answer me pliss ya .


- Semi