Forever Young

When is one truly grown up?
He said "When you're more than five feet tall"
She laughed at her seven year old cousin.
But it got her thinking.
When puberty hits?
Was biology even a factor?
Then she recalled all the adult shaped boys she had come across over the years ,
they thought a bit of facial hair signified maturity!
A guffaw should still make sense
however hot and deep it sounded.

Not like she felt very adultish herself.
She had the biological numbers
She did have her own place
and took her own decisions
had romantic interests.

Was self sufficiency the key?
There are quite a number of 'adults' who earned
but who didn't appear to be in control of anything.
Maybe it is all an appearance of self assurance.

Nobody knows what they are doing ~
Life keeps throwing curveballs at you
but you don't even know how to play baseball!
We are all just trying to walk on water
Never figuring life out
and pretending to be an 'adult'

Never appearing to lose control ,
I think losing your concept of what you are
and trying to explore who you are is the first mark of adulthood.
Not piling on premade store bought identities marked 'grown up'.

We all think an 'adult' is someone with a family , job and etcetera
but most of them are just kids who were thrown at the deep end of the pool
very fast
That they appear to be floating with head barely above water
and eventually learn to not sink
is not the slight bit endearing.

Why can't they be swimmers  who learn all the skills or
Maybe they wanna scuba dive or sail in sailboats
or maybe they wanna fly .
Who are we to decide who adults are?

To me an adult is a person who knows who he/she really is or has a clear vision of who they are going to become or who atleast admits they have no idea and is working towards it.
A person who makes their own strategy for life.
Till then we will be forever young
and confused.

Samyuktha Semi Jayaprakash

Let's talk Books

It has been a terribly long time since I've written something,apart from my usual diary entries or exam answers. Both are generally very rambling in nature , so excuse me if I sound so in this post.

For no particular reason , I'm going to share intel on the books I've read this year with you all. But before that:-

Reading books is an activity which is fast becoming a dying one amongst kids these days. So much so that my mom bugs all the children who visit our home by asking them what book they are reading currently. The lack of immediate answer on their part scared me enough to write this,

I am 19 years old , consider myself a 'grown up' now ( although many might disagree) and books were a huge part of my childhood and the reason why I have such a vivid imagination. An active imagination is the only chance for independent thinking. I don't think watching umpteen repeats of chota bheem is going to develop one's thinking capacity. In fact , kids reading more books might help them create better serials in the future than the substandard ones on offer these days.

I hope the point is made.

Now in no particular order , I am going to briefly share the interesting books I happened to read this year. All the books I have read this year can be found here :- link 

1. Mightier than the sword by Jeffrey Archer 

My review at the time of reading the book in goodreads :

 Best Archer book ever! Atleast his best in a long long time. Can't go into any plot points without revealing too much. What I've noticed in this book is that all characters have been well established over a period of 4 books and the 5th one is the best time to introduce new villains , wacky situations and problems for our characters to overcome. Really loved how Seb has developed , harry's moral compass is stronger than ever , Emma is as bold as ever , Cedric Hardcastle :') and all the villains are despicable enough.

The book is set in a period not usually found in Archer books and I really enjoyed the political and cultural circumstances of the 60's and 1970.

What sets this book apart from the rest in the series is that Archer is ready to embrace failure , go past the cliches and happy ending. Hence , it is scarier waters for the reader to swim in before reaching what seems like safety.

REALLY LOVED IT!!

Added bonus of meeting the man himself in the book signing of this book for the second time in 3 years! Man am I lucky :D 

Now : - 

Well , it is not his best book. I say that after I read every book of his. Still one of his best! It is book number 5 in the clifton chronicles and pick of right where it left. Highly recommend a new reader to read the previous four as this is a saga of character development which is better understood right from the start. No one writes drama like Jeffrey Archer and he proves it here again. What sets this book apart is thathe has a moved beyond his clichés and thrown a punch here and there. So even a seasoned reader will be on their those when they read this one. 

My rating - 5/5 

2. Agatha christie - Hercule poirot 

I managed to read 2 books with hercule poirot as the lead - what can I say? The little , egg shaped gentleman has captured my heart.These books were  like math puzzles - but fun ones :P and somehow you can never predict the ending and have to keep turning the pages. 

a) Murder in Mesopotamia - Christie uses her experience in middle east ( her husband was a archaeologist) to dish out a murder mystery based in Mesopotamia. A house full of suspects , an archaeologist set up , a time frame , map of a house. Very systematically thrilling. Only poirot can find out!

b)  Murder on the orient express -  I finally read this insanely famous book. A running train , chilling murder , Poirot is in the next compartment when it happen , the murdered guy's room is locked from inside , no one seems to have the motive but everyone seems to have the opportunity. Things are way more than what meets the eye here. Ending was superb but also a cop out of sorts. 

I feel that in most of her books ,the build up is so good that no conclusion seems good enough

3.  Divergent by Veronica Roth

Writing about this reminded me that I have to read rest of the series. A famous fantasy book that teens read - certainly not my type :P I generally crinkle my nose and this book taught me that these books are pretty fun to read.  After harry potter and 39 clues , this is the 3rd actual fantasy I am actually reading.

Book description on goodreads : Society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue, in the attempt to form a 'perfect society'. On her Choosing Day, Beatrice Prior renames herself Tris, rejects her family's Abnegation group, and chooses another faction.

On paper,this book seems like a simple mash up of hunger games , harry potter , 1984 and 39 clues. However , it managed to create its own identity somewhat by the end of it all and the characters and the situations they are in are pretty interesting. The pace at which it all goes is pretty quick and that certainly helped matters

verdict - A very readable fun book. Very excited to read the future books in the series.

4.Two lives by Vikram seth 

After the monumental yet fascinating Suitable boy  , I am a huge admirer of Vikram Seth. He is not a writer but an artist who paints words beautifully and poignantly. Two lives is an unique non fiction done by him on his late aunt and uncle with whom  he had a good relationship. Both his aunt and uncle were impacted by the holocaust and this book covers that and many other little things a work of fiction can never quite cover. The mediums he uses for this book elevates it to the next level - first we get vikram's point of view , then that of his uncle through interviews with him and through the rich letters his aunt used to communicate with her relations from germany who were later wiped out in the holocaust and pictures too. 

The quirks of a long marriage , love of the realistic kind , loss of a spouse , sickness , idle old age , family histories , the tensions that arise in a family when money comes into play , dementia , dentistry , Europe the book deals with a lot of topics with élan. Take this one if you're in a mood to read a different but intriguing biography  about two ordinary yet extraordinary individuals. 

5. Cut like wound by Anita Nair 

Here comes a type of book I have been wanting to read since I was born!( pardon the exaggeration) . A procedural crime thriller covering the Indian diaspora by an Indian author is what I have been looking for forever. There are mystical giants like Salman Rushdie , and so called entertaining authors like Chetan Bhagat who write books to be made into movie scripts , so it invariably involves romance :( but a serious shortage of crime thrillers!Except Falooda by Satyajit Ray maybe.

The book is set in Bengaluru,the hub of modernity and cosmopolitan culture in India. We have Inspector Gowda the brow beaten unsuccessful police inspector whose personal life is also going nowhere. How does he deal with a set of murders,which his famous instincts tell him are connected. This book touches upon the status of transgenders in our society in a non preachy way. There is an adulterous love story , interesting side characters and modus operandi and police procedure to keep us interested. I would really love it if more people encouraged books like this and also if this book becomes a full fledged series! 

So what books have you come across recently? They don't have to be deep , pretentious looking ones actually. Every book is has its own personality and traits which will rub off on us. I don't believe there is any such thing as a bad book. We always learn a lot indirectly when we read. 

So please leave a comment , recommending a book. Who might know? We might just find our next favourite book there :) 

Semi

8

Hi readers! Thanks for sticking around even when I don't write for months. I was having a writer's block of sorts and generally a rough phase in my life. The poem I'm publishing below is a very personal one and took a great deal of bravery from my side to be even posted. Many friends dissuaded me from sharing this particular chapter of my life. I have written on what it is like, to feel like a failure even when you know that you aren't one. It might seem like a small problem to most of you but I assure you that it has taken its toll on my life. However , I've recovered enough to talk about it now and share it with others , for I know that I'm not alone and want others to not feel alone too. This post does not intend to be negative , it just captures one of the darker phases of my life. There is always light at the end of the tunnel , I just chose to project the darkness this time. Thank you. 

People who get 98 start behaving like a 98

The poor ones who get an 8

Can’t help but feel like one.

Especially when you shower them with

Your 98 tonnes of optimism

It is not you , it is not them

It is the 8

Not the end of the world

But an 8.

Supposedly a learning curve

But unfortunately

Mostly a slippery slope

A direct downward spiral

Into the invisible abyss

Of mass mediocrity .

Which they have been trying to avoid ,

Even when they were at their

Personal Everest of fame.

What can you really do?

When your personal brilliance

Gets scraped off your skin

With the harsh gravel

That is your education system.

Don’t worry about your results.

Just give your best every time

Even if you fail almost every time

For faults that you never made.

Don’t worry , Don’t feel , Don’t care

Just play fruit ninja

And believe that it is not your fault

That you failed.

Keep playing fruit ninja ,

Knowing you did nothing to deserve that 8 .

Keep playing till you break all levels

Till you start doubting the veracity of your claims

Till you start doubting the obvious.

You know you did nothing wrong.

But where is the proof?

Who feels like shit?

Not that you know how shit really feels like

But you get the gist.

Who feels depressed all the time ,

Not able to cope with a seemingly

Erroneous failure ,

You or university or god?

Till the day of hopefully inevitable rectification

Who has to squirm every time they hear an 8?

The number you once loved

Because it was so easy to draw

Till you found out 2 O’s wasn’t the way anyways.

The number which you mastered

To apply for license .

The number you cannot help but hate irrationally.

Now.

If what happened was so irrational

As everyone makes it out to be,

Why can’t we have our own irrational outburst to it?

Functioning after a failure is tough

Even for the best of us.

It is like learning to walk

With broken legs

Which aren’t set properly.

Extending the stick called sensitivity

Is more than welcome.

It might be not as grave as it sounds

But it certainly feels that way.

Outpouring of grief on virtual paper

Might never solve anything ,

But what else can one do really?

No one can control anything.

Except the person who gives me

Marks it seems. 

Samyuktha Semi Jayaprakash 

Mummy

What is truly left of a person after they die? She wondered. It was a lazy Friday afternoon , S’s college wouldn’t open for another month at the least and the Chennai heat was doing its usual wonders. An afternoon well suited for endless T.V marathons and phone calls to plan useless beach meetings with her school friend. Yet her brain wouldn’t compromise today! Her mind wandered past countless thoughts while her fingers fiddled with the ring which belonged to her recently deceased grandmother.

It was a sturdy little ring , silver in colour and probably made of it too. It had a little black stone embedded onto it. An understated , rough little ring which was simple yet elegant at the same time. It used to grace her grandmother’s hand roughly a month back. She wore it regularly nowadays. It helped her to remember a person she loved

.

Not in the intense , immediate , breatheless way that hits after their death in a few days.

But in a more melancholic , quite , sad way which washes you gently yet completely

When a random old lady wears red sari like Mummy did and walks purposefully on the road

When anyone forced her to eat even she had already stated 84 times before that , that she wasn’t hungry.

When they mentioned an incident involving her sweet grandmother

Grandmother.. She was never allowed to call her that.

Mummy was pretty insistent that everyone should call her mummy ,

Or alas! Her youthful energy might suddenly disappear.

She was a tough old bird who worked in the hospital as a nurse till the day she fell ill ,

She was admitted for a small illness and passed away rather suddenly.

So abruptly that I never got to say goodbye properly.

Can’t narrate in 3^rd person anymore – I’m sorry.

I was in Pune preparing for my exams when my mummy bid adieu to this world.

Even though I couldn’t be with her that day physically I believe I connected with her soul.

Or how else could I have a dream with her the exact same day she passed away.

The dream was after I heard the news – not claiming Nostradamus like powers here.

It may have been my brain’s way of consoling my heart.

It was so real that I still hold on to it today and can visualise it pretty clearly.

Me and Mummy were together watching a movie in a theatre

Funny , because we have never done that together before. We always watched movies in her favourite  Ktv channel ( she wouldn’t change it even during ad breaks!) or old CDs of some classic Kamal film.

I find the movie boring and walk out. Probably reflects how I was pretty absent around her the last time we met..

Then there I am checking out clothes in the mall and mummy comes right behind me , I look very surprised to see her and give her a hug. I am not a big hugger but I still remember how I hugged her in that dream. She was wearing a grey colour silk saree and I was holding on to her like I’ll never let go.

And I still remember the crying and telling her , “ I’m so sorry mummy” , I  wasn’t aware that she passed away in the dream.. and I suddenly woke up and realised I’ll never get to watch a movie with her or hug her ever again.

That realization was one of the worst moments of my life. I cried forever , my roommate freaked out and had to lock our room door. It was bad.

Reverting back to 3^rd person.

Now here she was - almost 37 days later. Still rotating her grandmom’s ring.

People say time heals all wounds. The wound still exists. The pain too. We just learn to live with it.

Just learn to live without mummy.

Without her the world was definitely a less better place. Less brighter. Less patriotic. Less everything.

She was left with more sadness than before with all the thinking. What else did she expect?

This post isn’t about mummy or her awesomeness per se. It is about coping and belated grieving and search for closure I realize.

I also realize that I have been constantly shifting from first to third person. Reflects my mental state maybe.

I know you all will apologize. Mummy definitely will.

She was such an amazing woman. Obsessed with gods. More obsessed with serving people. She wanted us to join the army or be doctors. Whatever she did she gave it her all. I still remember the banana milkshake she made me once :D She has been through a LOT . Stuff which I hope never happens to any other woman. Things I can’t reveal in the name of family privacy.

She bounced back with so much optimism that I bet that the gods, she was so obsessed with, could have done nothing but grin at this old looking young woman – frail looking strong woman.

I still remember mummy giving her phone number to a pseudo religious guy and when we told her how unsafe it was , she wanted to change numbers lol

She was one of a kind and is irreplaceable.

I love her and miss her,

Please come back mummy! :’(

Confessions

 13^th may 2015

Wednesday

Forgive me father , for I have sinned. I have always wanted to go to a church and make grand confessions to a calm priest. But that never seems to work out in my favour. So in this mini diary entry , I register my random private thoughts – which are not sins per se and fit more into the heading of confessions. I want the inevitable someone who peeps into this diary to know that I'm not high , embarrassed or drunk – right now at this moment at least.

1.       I didn't learn Hindi not because of some big moral principle of solidarity for my state’s culture but because I was too lazy (still am) to learn a new language which didn't immediately affect my then near future . Although, necessity forced me to understand it somewhat eventually.

2.     

  I'm proud of being a ‘tomboy’ or the opposite of my general stereotype as a girl. And , that has led me to hide that I actually enjoy romantic movies much more than action ones.

3.     

 I'm ashamed of Surya as an actor nowadays. I fell in love with the guy who excelled in multiple offbeat yet catch roles. Either the star in him as eaten the actor completely or he has very bad taste in choosing his scripts. I just wish the old surya is back. I hate the post 2011 Surya. * That was tough to admit, even on paper* I still hope that his next movie will bring a turnaround. I have been waiting for 5 years now.

4.   

    I hate the Kolkata Knight Riders because of  a) Sharukh Khan b) their arrogance ( Cough cough Gambhir) and c) … because they are damn good as a team and the only serious threat to Chennai Super Kings overall.

5.      

I find it uncool to admit that I prefer Tamil music over English music. Harris Jayaraj any day . *sheepish grin*

6.    

   I don’t think I'm serious enough to be a lawyer. But I do know that I’ll get there eventually. If I start soon.

7.      

I’m a very self centered person and I really don’t listen when others talk about their life stories and that in turn makes me feel guilty because I impose my life story on everyone through this blog.

8.      

I can seriously can keep going. But sane enough to know that honesty is not often the best policy even in the seemingly safest places.

9.    

   I’m going to make this into a blogpost. 

 Final one - Nowadays , I enjoy Tv shows much more than books. And that is blasphemous in my world. So , forgive me lord for I have sinned.

So , in the spirit of confessions readers are requested to share some poignant truth about themselves :P can be pointless too. But an honest revelation!