Fearing a future without YOU.....

My mentor is leaving me next Friday. This is the message, I have been trying to convey this for the past 6 hrs but have done it with no success.Maybe because I can still cannot believe the fact......I will not believe it till the last second....Why does my life get always stuck in such turmoils? WHY?

Maybe because everything was too sweet , like the Utopian concept she explained during nationalism in Europe.....life will have to move on , I understand....but why is she going NOW? Leaving me just before my final step- the final examination after which I will move on to another school! I am maybe too selfish but so are the hundreds of students who are studying under her and so are the thousand who studied under her.

It was so good! From last year I haven't put one foot wrong, because of the path she carved for me. When I got the highest mark this semester I could only feel the gratitude.....I didn't even tell her a proper thank you. I can clearly remember the envy of the other section students when our class explained the classes with her! God is too evil, why can't we experience some fun??

What is SO special about her classes you may ask.It is my duty to explain.

• Stories - The last time someone hears a story from a teacher must go back to the lower primary levels, but our class is (going to be was soon) lucky to hear some stories from her.She mostly starts or end our class with 10 minutes of stories! If I explain those stories it would become an entirely different post, so I'll run through it. Her stories ranges from the hare and the tortoise with a twist to what the earth would be like in a 70 years....I promise to explain the stories later [ ;) ]                                                                                       hare and tortoise with a twist!           

• Discussions- What really happened in 26/11? Is the CWG so bad as shown? Should we care really what Obama has to tell about India? If you have any query about any matter we discuss it  in  the class! Miss usually supports India but also accepts it if she is wrong! Isn't that a wonder? Although I always seem to be accepting with her views......

• Other subjects- How many teachers even think about other subjects except their own?? Miss does! In fact , instead of just giving 10 mins free for preparing for a different subject she explains the subject by herself! I still remember the way she explained biology when we had an understanding problem with our new teacher and also the poem which explains about the cross roads in life! You wouldn't believe it, her new interpretation of a line made us all gain 2 marks in that test!

• Handling- She hasn't yelled at us even once throughout the years, even though we are reputed to be the worst batch in the school.She makes us feel special when she calls us 'her special batch'.When other teachers leave you confused why you lost a mark,she clearly writes the point we have missed and sometimes writes extra points, we could have written even when she doesn't cut a mark!

All the descriptions would be incomplete if I don't tell this point, She teaches her subject in the best possible way and finishes her portions in the fastest time although she is too modest to accept all this.....She can never have a replacement and there will always be the empty spot in my life....I am at the  least happy that she has been with me for this long......

It is make or break without  her now. I don't know how to go about studying with the other teachers.....must be the same way because it is the best way.I remember it yesterday,everything was going in the wrong way- The cat fight with my mom where she scratched my face (!) , the horrible 'surprise' my friends gave me , the detention I got during my games for not bringing my racquet  and forgetting to call my parents and informing that it would get late after the movie.........but somehow at the end of the day , her leaving the school disturbed me the most......leaving a pit in my stomach,fear in my heart and a confusion in my brain....

                                      Please don't leave.......... 

                                      I don't have anymore ace up my sleeve  

                                     I am very sorry , I am just sick with worry!

Miss if you read this please don't change your decision I am just a bit fuzzed up that's all. I will always wish the best for you. =)

- yours apologetically  yet  cheerfully yet sadly yet confusedly
 Samyuktha (semi)

A psychopath's - Diary entry

29.8.06
Saturday

I am confused.Really. I want to fight with her, but not ignore her! I also feel guilty about what I'm doing ,but I can't stop it! I am just blaming myself for what I am doing, I even know the solution but I'm not doing it, WHY? Why? WHY??? 
   I think it is my(self)ego. I don't want things to go smoothly...."a sailor sails best when his ship is sinking" , I need pressure .I don't like my parents,friends who are always nice with me! I want the world to be BAD,so that I am good!
" I DONT LIKE ANYONE ON EARTH!" I can't be equal to anyone! Man, I can't put myself inside a single category! Am I not BAD? I am confused. Really.

I was going through a pile of old stuff when I noticed an A4 sheet full of words....I decided to take a closer look and got this stuff! I am not telling who has written it as I don't know who really wrote it [ ;) ] ........I was shocked at the writer's lack of optimism , arrogance and that attitude! OMG! I couldn't bear it! SO, I'm sharing my cynicism with you guys!


The style of the writer seems to be nice, The style of matching the first 4 words with the last 4 is really good. When moving on to the next line 'I want to fight with her not ignore her'  shows so much egoism and arrogance that I pity that poor friend who got stuck with the writer!
The next line offers some solace by stating that the writer IS guilty of what they are doing! BUT, The immediate phrase shows the helplessness and lack of control of temper of that writer who frankly states that they can't control it!




'I am just blaming myself for what I am doing, I even know the solution but I'm not doing it, WHY? Why? WHY??? '


The next phrase shows the quality of self harassment or at least self punishment as I get to know that they are blaming themselves for whatever stupid row they had with their friend!
When a person does know the solution and doesn't follow it it is called 'foolishness', 'over pride' and adamant behavior.....I do pity that person for the frustration they are inducing on themselves!






 The explanation the person give for their strange contradicting behavior is 'I think it is my(self)ego. I don't want things to go smoothly...."a sailor sails best when his ship is sinking" , I need pressure .I don't like my parents,friends who are always nice with me! '
This is the frankest and the most sadistic confession I have read in my life.....I am seriously now doubting that the writer is a self harmer. 'I need pressure'!  shows all symptoms of it. Most likely suicidal patterns to succeed! Hating happiness and niceties shows an anti social pattern too..........


The last last lines suggest that the person is coming back to normal...pah....and ends up how they started -really confused!

What would I suggest them to do? 

• Goto a proper counselor and vent out their emotions.....
• Listen to the advice of the counselor
• Try an anger management course
• Do yoga
• To always carry that smile!! =) 
• Find the root cause of their anger/confusion/madness

After  writing this post my mother saw the A4 paper I saw the  text on.......she stated laughing uncontrollably! 

me: So it is you!!! who scribbled all this nonsense!

she: ( still laughing) nonono!! (again laughs)

me: AMMA!! plzz tell.....

she:(suppressing badly)  Don't you recognize that stupid style of starting and ending with the same phrase?

Shit!! It was me! .......................I will never ever believe I wrote such a kiddish entry...but that  'style is mine! is mine! Shit!!  It was me!

 moral of the story:

1. Never scribble anything crazy
2. Never forget to DISPOSE it.....:(
3. Don't prejudice anything until you know who wrote about it!

        By

Semi :D

Reality check.......

I still remember the day when I was randomly watching TV during the holidays after my exam.I was so bored that I was watching the tamil serials with my grandmom!That was when I accidentally stumbled on this show on Star Vijay a tamil channel(good one), called as kadai alla nijam ( which means the truth, not a story).

There was this young man sitting with his mother and talking about his life.Me interested in knowing about other people's life innocently starts watching the show as my grandmother prepares herself for her afternoon siesta. He then starts talking about his love life.Like any other guy , he falls in love with a girl.Her name is mathura ( or is it zathura?) Her parents don't agree with this , things get ugly and goes to the police station.The girl and the boy are sure of their love for each other and the boy's mum is rationale but the girl's side are too primitive and start threatening her!

The boy turns hero asks the girls parents to mind their own business,brings her to his house,lives with her for 3 years happily.Then they get married and have a happy and blissful 6 months.Suddenly,the girl's parents have a change of  heart  and asks her to come home.The girl still trustful of her parents leaves home to see what the want to offer............the story is fine till now.

The boy who is in the office gets a call from his wife,her voice is crackling.She just tells him " They have cheated me.My life is in danger,please come and save me" between her tears.Our shocked boy starts rushing to the girl's home which is some village.He is bubbling with anxiety and tension when he gets a call from his office telling the girl died!!

Can you imagine that guy's situation? He still doesn't believe his beloved is dead and completes his journey to just receive that! After narrating all this he starts crying and I silently mourn for the girl's soul.Then his mom starts narrating what a wreck his had become after that.The continuous cryings and Sober suicides he tries to commit.Even I could feel the pain of that situation.

This was a true reality check for the blissful me and I started having nightmares about that story. I still can't control  getting the atrocious amount of anger and hatred whenever I think about those relations of the girl.She was killed because she killed their honor! This is a crime which is not being watched properly by the legal system because it is 'culturally sensitive'. Hell! We have to stop thinking like that , it is a crime they are committing in the name of caste,religion etc etc.!

If you guys aren't bewildered by now take this! I recently read this book called 'daughters of shame' which triggered me to do this.The saddest part of the book was that it was 'non fiction'.It covers almost the stories of about 15 women and 2 men tortured by their own parents in the name of love and religion.

The book gets darker as we dig deeper as the victims are beaten up and imprisoned in their own houses once they start becoming teenagers, sedated , raped and eventually murdered if they don't follow the rulebook they are provided.The astonishing thing is some girls even after fleeing away from their households comeback as they can't stand the separation from their family and its negligence.These words came from a girl ,if I remember correctly was hit with a weapon which had nails on it,and which pierced her skin! (This was done by her mother ,because she supported her brother who was getting beaten up! )

The book horrified me with its reality. I feel rather guilty for the amount of freedom I am being provided with and how much we always tend to misuse it......

The author of this book, Jasvinder Sanghera needs special mention as she has not only written these books but has an organisation called 'karma nirvana' which provides help to all those women who are suffering from forced marriages and honor based crimes...

Unfortunately, Jas works only in London and the millions in India are still in the dark fighting and losing their own battles.This .is a serious  problem to address with and I will be very happy if even 1 person became aware and conscious about this mass problem - specially with the no. of castes and sub castes in India!

Let the cause become a clause and freedom just not be a word uttered with boredom......Jai Hind!

For further details

Daughter,your life is over

http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk/