Cristina yang once told Meredith something on the lines that - just because my life doesn’t look like yours (with a husband and kids) doesn’t mean I haven’t changed or grown. Although I am firmly team Meredith almost at all times, those words ring very true to me now. I am in this transitional period between college and settling down aka ‘adulting’. What are the signs of this dreary process?
- You’re tired all the time for starters.
- You enter the real world and it slowly chews you up -with sheer routine.
- You end up forgetting what your dreams and goals were.
- Your priorities shift. We just want to be peaceful now.
- You cringe about the missteps you made in your troubled teen/ cherubic childhood days.
- You realise you have maybe outgrown this phase and want to ‘settle down’
Atleast these hold
true in my case mostly. I was trying to maintain the momentum of college and
just have fun with my career of being an advocate. But after three years of
dealing with other people’s problems, I admit that I tend to ignore mine
blatantly and ‘go with the flow’. I realise now that this has made me stop
growing emotionally. I am afraid of making mistakes, I don’t even like risks
anymore yet I jump between one bad impulsive decision to another. That’s
because I push every thought to some deep recess of my mind and it just comes up when I’m vulnerable and I end up
doing things I regret the next second.
Yet people who are
around me have no clue about this because I do not give them a clue and then I
hold it against them without them having a clue about it still. I have words
like ‘strong’ and ‘robot’ being thrown at me and it cuts deep because I seldom
feel that way but always wear that mask. I don’t know if everyone else feels
like an imposter living their life, I certainly do. I feel deeply unworthy of
my life but hey I am atleast trying to face it and move on from this vulnerable
state by looking at it straight in the eye.
(368 words)
Wow, bravely shared (if this is autobiographical, and I see no clue that it isn't.) Some things (e.g. tired all the time) sound as if the speaker (you?) could be experiencing depression. Maybe time to ask for help. If people around you have no clue, they can't help. I had a nervous breakdown in my mid-twenties, and only sought help when my symptoms became bizarre. Even then, no-one around me would gave known without being told. My psychiatrist said, 'Some people break down very quietly.' I was one of them. You might be another? I'll always be thankful I sought help, and that I was referred by my doctor to very good help.
ReplyDeleteThis is heartbreaking, the part about "strong and Robot" People can be so insensitive, especially the ones we think should know better. I have had those kinds of people in my life and fed their insensitivities, yes i too am responsible here. Then comes the time when you change focus and them "selfish and why" become the brand. Of course you know what to do by then, cause you have grown up
ReplyDeleteHappy Sunday
much❤love
When I read a moving piece like this I hope that the sentiments referred were fictional rather than a small cry for help. Either way you may have both sympathisers and other writers comment on it; one with concerns for you and the other impressed with your writing.
ReplyDeleteI concur with Rosemary's very wise advice. I well remember after I lost my husband when I was 45 everyone saying "You'll be fine, you're so strong" when I felt a quivering bowl of jelly. We are often so busy maintaining the facade we wish to portray we neglect to take care of ourselves. Find a confidante, and set small goals.
ReplyDeleteI learned thru trial and error (many of them) that movement, taking risks, facing challenge was going to keep me young at heart / in mind. I turn 80 in September. So far, so good. Take care of yourself, forgive yourself, forgive others.
ReplyDeleteIt is a life process to learn to become authentic and to take care of yourself. You are already aware of it with is the first step. It will take courage to set the next. Take care
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteThis is honest sharing and vulnerability. The momentum of thoughts just makes living a nightmare. Thoughts sprout from one thought and another, and all come coloured with the inadequacy of the experiences. And, any movement to rectify it doesnt help, because it is again through thinking that we try to solve or rectify the present and future. But, thought itself is of the past. So, the past can never rectify the present. But, what else do we have apart from thought? We are trained in thought, and so we continue with thought. To see this completely means to break yourself from the thought processes, which is to see that thinking is just a process of one thought trying to overcome another thought, and both are the same. So, the only break out of this whole mess is to see that thought is the mischief maker, and there is no right thought or positive thinking, just be aware of the whole process of how one thought tries to overcome another thought or situation, and endlessly caught in it, taking up energy. From this realisation, action happens naturally, not with an intention to solve, but just to see the whole situation as it is.
Pyschology or psychiatrists will not help, as they are caught up in giving medicine and trying to solve it as if it a problem, which only ends up getting trapped more and more into a problem-solving nightmare.
Just see that thought cannot solve the problem. It can only prolong the problems. The you who is trying to push a thought, is the same thought that you are trying to push. The illusion is that you and thought are separate, but they are not.
Take care.