Finding Fan(ny)

Every one of us are fans of something or someone or the other. Admiring artistry and enjoying entertainment are few of the aspects which distinguishes us as human beings. That being said, all of us can’t be like Mr. Sudhir Kumar Chaudary whose only occupation is to be a fan or a  Mr. Gaurav Chandna who is a kind of person ( albeit fictional ) that most people call a ‘fanatic’.

Very rarely do fans get to meet their icons. Most of the times , they meet their Rajinikanth only in their dreams and even those darned dreams don’t end successfully ( dreams are actually very richly symbolic. Always try googling your disturbing dreams. Trust me , there exist other interpretations apart from your garden variety id and sexual drive) . I once had a dream which involved me having a looong conversation with Mr.Rajinikanth and it was so realistic that it leaves me in unconditional joy to just think of them even today. Un/fortunately most people don’t have such awesome and vivid imagination and dream retention , so they have only a slim chance of meeting their icons. And even when they do , they most often blow it. Not everyone is lucky like my dad to win a contest and meet Sachin Tendulkar in person and have a conversation with him in person. ( No I didn’t create this post merely to insert this fact :P ) 

So what is the point of this post?

Well , let me start from the moment when the seed of this thought got implanted in my head. Facebook is a drab place nowadays until the next fad comes around.  Ice bucket challenge , book gifting schemes , lock screen challenge , the secretive statuses for woman empowerment day?! … the list keeps going. And joining this not so prestigious but certainly fun list is a ‘what am I obsessed with?’ challenge. If a person shares a status asking that question , you have to simply comment what you think they are obsessed with. A simple enough challenge. It really helps you know what type of crazed fanatic the world thinks you to be.

In my case , people thought I was primarily obsessed with :-

a)      Chennai super kings

b)      Grey’s anatomy

c)       Books

d)      Coca cola

This set me thinking. Almost all the things I’m currently obsessed with are either defunct , bad for my health , have overstayed their welcome. And the one thing I should be doing – reading books is getting kicked to a corner. So I’m going to dig into each of these obsessions to get a better understanding of fangirling . Or fan boying – don’t wanna be called a ‘feminazi’.

The csk fan or

The type of fan who still loves something or somebody who no longer exists. We refuse to believe that the thing we love/worship/ look up to doesn’t actually exist anymore. We look back in time constantly thinking about the glory filled days of the past with pride and tear filled eyes. Books get over , Tv shows end and teams get destroyed or suspended for their stupid owner’s fault. And we the fans bear the brunt and have to live with memories of ancient words and scenes and recycle old material on facebook to get likes :P The harry potter fandom is a thriving one which discusses dramione and chickron theories like they happened yesterday. Friends last aired last 12 years ago. This is to say that loyal fandoms always survive. That’s why a reboot of a full house or arrested development has managed to happen. CSK fans will always believe that their team will come back in 2 years and all their players will somehow magically reassemble to re live in the golden era of IPL cricket. Till then IPL is dead to us.

The grey’s anatomy fan is a fan who has stuck by their show for 12 seasons and still crave for more in this short attention span era. A grey’s fan has endured the show’s leads go through  bombing , plane , ferry boat , car crashes , irretrievable break down of marriages and regular exit of primary characters. A grey’s fan is one who cherishes their long history. We know our obsession is not the currently ‘trending’ one and that our creator has herself greener stories to write about. Yet , we still have a beating heart , we win people choice awards and cry every time O’malley is mentioned or when characters leave. We are secretly happy they didn’t get killed off. We are the loyal , patient ones.

The bookworm is an increasingly hard to find species in today’s digital era. Kids of this generation are exposed to so much visual stimuli that books feel like they belong to the dinosaur era. As much as I love technology , I also despise it. I used to be able to read like a monster now I keep getting disturbed by the darned whatsapp. I am sad to say that I am not a bookworm anymore. Only a few books transport me completely to their world – like Jefferey Archer or Salman Rushdie. The excitement has waned. I am now a fake fan impostor-ing by buying tonnes of book and then going through periods of guilt. Sometimes , I get my groove back and devour them though. I’m pretty sure there are others like me.

Coca Cola fan. More like someone who befriended a sexy enemy and don’t know how to ditch them anymore. I very nearly had kidney damage due to it recently , so trying my best to avoid it. It is a very alluring obsession albeit a very dangerous one.

So from this personal analysis I have learnt that :-

1)      Fans are basically Gryffindors. Loyal to a fault

2)      They can get caught in toxic obsessions

3)      And let go of fruitful ones when more junky ones come along.

S

                So what do you readers Fan girl/boy about? Do you have any incurable obsessions? Or waning ones? Do you get addicted or maintain your sanity? Please leave a comment :) 

The seeker

I seek inspiration

for writing is easy no more 

thoughts ebb rather than flow

instinctual illumination and enlightenment

which once defined me 

sounds like something from a bygone era. 

Words don't even exist 

to sound stifled or stymied 

everything feels mechanical

excitement doesn't really tickle my heart

when I think of blogging

I can hear wordpress whispering to me 

that blogger is an un-updated relic , 

I can feel the crunch of not having enough content

to be eligible for adsense 

or enough drive 

to submit to a blogadda 

References I make feel like

the Dorne storyline from Game of Thrones -

They just don't make sense.

Everything I put pen to, sounds so unoriginal 

or better put by somebody else. 

I used to sound light hearted even when i was trying not to be -

much to my chagrin in fact ,

but now i sound like cranky ranter 

venting her turmoil in public webspace 

Basically I have become somebody , 

I used to laugh at. 

But yeah , things change. 

For better or worse 

and you have to go with the flow

Isn't that what "Steady Meanderings" is all about?

I ask myself 

In that minuscule moment  

I get a brief glimpse of 

What I used to be 

or what I could be,

If only I could get rid of these not so insane negative thoughts.

This pity party has to stop asap 

I need to write,sketch , scribble something

meander somewhere 

anywhere but here.

For that , 

I seek inspiration

The F word.

Failures rock.
A year back , no one would have believed that I believed this. Now , people at least try to listen to me when I try to convince them of this. Baby steps.

It is easy to believe in something when it is only an ideology and you don't have to experience it in action. That's why most people are hypocrites. They don't want to be but usually the gap between concrete action and lofty thoughts swallows 'em up. I always believed that I didn't care about failures and it is a stepping stone to success and etcetera etcetera. Only when I experienced it , I could take a proper look.
Initially it sucks , pains a lot more than you think. Nobody likes change and when things don't go your way it is highly frustrating , stress inducing. Everything feels like falling apart . The same welcoming world of yesterday seems to be menacing . But these so called failures are actually good for you and I will tell you why.

What are these failures anyway?
Society manufactured standards of practice which every person is forced to follow by pressures of socialization such as family , community and organised institutions. However , cool we like to be and not care , every human being lives in a community and social disapproval goes a long way in shaping one's attitude.
Okay , I realise i sound like my 11th standard sociology textbook. Dry , abstract and boring.
Let's lighten up with cliched examples. Eg. The 10th standard board exams are a redundant concept. Nobody should care about those marks. But , most people care about it because these marks are used by families as indicators of intelligence and social prestige. I know a certain family member who makes a list of all the kids she knows who are writing their board exams that year and calls them to check their marks. This inordinate amount of curiosity is the reason why kids run to America lol
What I have realised is most of the failures are not even failures. It is such a strong word with so much stigma attached. They are minor setbacks to one of the possible routes through which you can attain your possible goal.
So hereon I'm gonna use the word setback.

So why does failure setback rock?

It makes you think! I wouldn't be writing this original content on my personal property if i didn't suffer a setback. Usually when one attains what they want a tad too easily , all the problems get swept under the carpet. We just want to enjoy the fruits of our victory that we ignore the weeds. Till they grow long enough to coil around our necks. Minor setbacks make us trim our gardens better ,i.e , keep us well aware and in control of our weaknesses, I would rather lose my way in the play offs and peak during the knockouts rather than have a perfect run in the leagues and choke due to my deficiencies in the finals. 

Usually people who are used to success , define themselves with it. When they lose , that's why it hits them hard. They feel incomplete without it. They even loathe themselves and hate the version which doesn't have it. Accepting and loving who you are is very important and that is not going to happen with the constant halo of success hovering around you. Your happiness should never rely on a contingency . Happiness should be found even in the darkest of places and shouldn't be concentrated in one holy spot. It is the journey and not the destination, I mean sure , if the destination is fun that is definitely an added bonus, 

People have a very narrow definition of success and planned road drawn towards it. Life is never going to let that happen and that's what makes it so interesting. Nobody can control fate and people used to success know that in their heads but never feel that truly until the door is abruptly closed on their faces. It makes you more creative and takes you to paths never travelled before to reach that goal. So it keeps you fresh. 

So failures make you a better at what you do , makes you love yourself for who you are , makes your happiness more intrinsic and makes you creative and understand the uncertainty of life, It is the best teacher there is. 

Most importantly it makes you

STRONGER to take the next blow and probably stand up and deliver the next punch. 

And shows you the ones who truly care. Because life is about those people. You need someone to share all that hyped up success with,

(P.S - All pictures are borrowed)

So yes. Don't be afraid to fail. Don't think of what might happen if x goes wrong. Something can always go wrong. Just give it your best shot and move on. Enjoy your failure , like you enjoy your success, There is nothing derogatory about losing. 

IT IS OKAY TO FAIL. 

But , Have you?

The day has come

where Meredith is without Derek

Castle is without beckett 

and there is no sex scene in game of thrones 

I repeat ,

and there is no sex scene in GAME OF THRONES!

The day has come , 

Sachin is seen without his bat 

his perfect persona somehow incomplete ; 

csk is without a match

its heart still beating 

in the million hearts of its faithful fans

The day has come 

you are finally out of college 

All those million dreams 

you got in bed early for , 

have suddenly become real.

Point is , the day has arrive 

But , Have you?

Be careful what you wish for , 

they so often say.

When you shut your eyes

a bit too tightly 

you tend to get removed 

                                                                          far away from reality 

You open your eyes 

sudden glare of reality 

overpowering your dreamy eyes

into tears of submission.

Wearing the cooler of attitude 

through the seemingly 

eternal summer of reality

can shade your perceptions forever 

in almost irreparable ways.

Only time will tell, 

if you can outlast your

current state of affairs 

But Don't 

be too happy if you do.

cz the winter hasn't arrived yet 

but maybe this time 

you can arrive first. 

The Moral Unicorn

So I started watching breaking bad . All my shows were on a hiatus and it was to time to ride this bandwagon out.  I am on the second season of the episode after trying to watch it for like 2 weeks. This proves

a)      I am finally growing up , working more and slowing down on the number of episodes I’m watching.

b)      The show is boring.

While it does show the evolution of a boring chemistry teacher who suddenly facing imminent death after contracting cancer ( he should have contracted a midlife crisis if you ask me) to a full blown drug dealer  to earn money for his family.

I find it incredibly stupid that the show glorifies the production and distribution and cooking of meth when the protagonist clearly had a chance to borrow money from his family and friends. But then , there would be no show – no drugs , blood or pee shots (which the director really loves for some reason)

I want to sound cool and say stuff like ‘ I’m the one who knocks’ ( I’m yet to see all that ) and maybe I’m prematurely giving up on the show. But , how are you supposed to root for someone who lies to everyone around him (who he supposedly loves) and kills people to assert that he is a drug lord?! We’re supposed to feel bad for him because he has cancer, but not the 3-4 he has already killed in the short span of the show. There is simply no justification for his crimes. Dexter Morgan , the serial killer at least had a past. Walter White is simply a greedy man who couldn’t deal the hand, life gave him, in a scrupulous way.

I know it is all just fiction and the show does show the downside of the drug life and all. But everytime someone says ‘Heisenberg’ with admiration or ‘ I’m the one who knocks’ it causes mental pain which I am simply registering here.

The show does evoke a point of interest in me though – consisting of moral turmoil. Where do you draw the line of what is wrong or what is right?

What makes you draw the line?

What the law dictates or what helps you sleep at time?

the laxman rekha :P

I think every person has to and does come up with this laxman rekha by himself. Being a law student , I know that there is scant regard paid to laws in this country. The culture , community or interest group of a person build his moral compass more often than not. But nothing shapes a mind like personal experience and attitudes.

For example , I think adultery which is a criminal offence according the Indian penal code is a personal choice which should end a marriage but not put you in jail.

But , for a person whose parent or spouse indulged in one the attitude might be very different.

More often than not , only when you are in a rough predicament , you know what you real feelings towards a subject are. There is a fundamental gap between who we think we are and the decisions we take and a mode of self preservation shoves this cognitive dissonance to the fore.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that I do not like cheating when I attempted a competition recently. I always prided myself of being morally fluid and ‘ cool’ taxonomies like that. However when the beat dropped and my moment came , I didn’t want to take the shortcut to success. How do you enjoy the fruits of your labour when you didn’t work the farm? I asked myself. I am aware that feeling morally superior is also a certain kind of rush.

We’re living in a world where pesticides and fertilizers have become a norm and ‘organic’ vegetables have become an exception.

When we learn professional ethics , our teacher reads the value we have to study for the exam and then goes on to explain how it is useless in everyday life. Being ‘good’ is increasingly being looked down upon . People with morals are being looked at as unicorns and hardwork and genuine knowledge is overlooked for shallow grades and ‘street smartness’ which roughly translates to being a thug.

How to do a task without getting your hands dirty? Is my question of the month to you guys. How to prosper in a world where pulling someone down seems easier than climbing up?

That is why breaking bad scares me. How can killing and cooking meth be cool things? Are we all fundamentally good or bad? Is self preservation or fundamental goodness the characteristic of a mind?

Even in Indian films being selfish or being a criminal is being promoted nowadays over being a good human being who helps others. It is not a question of breaking the law but doing a wrong – hurting another individual. Am I the only unicorn out here? Or are there more of us just scared to voice out , in the fear of being looked down upon?

Please speak up in the comments column