I stared at god
With my sorry eyes
Was he a benevolent being
Even
after all he is seeing?
Or
just another soul fleeing
from
What he was actually feeling
In pursuit of a deeper meaning?
His eyes look tired
All seeing
Pain ensuing no doubt
A deity is a constant state of being
Feeling for all of humanity
I hear his silent prayer,
When he sees his little kitty,
For all my seven lives
I gave him a thankful purr
For giving me strength
We embraced,
I was born.
At the cusp of my
downfall
I stand tall
Loyalty only has
gotten me so far
to this toxic devious
stick
performing its gleeful
shtick
I laugh at my own
demise
Isn’t this the whole
premise?
I got my life force
sucked out of me
One evil kiss at a
time
Sugar diabetes lung
incapacity what not
My vestiges still
flutter
Just pour on the
butter
Let me roll in the
gluttonous gutter.
We as humans have a tendency to believe that the current moment we live in is the most important/momentous/worst one. So much so that we tend to look at our 5minutesback self more rosily than our present self. This peculiar trait is amplified the most when we post stuff like 'this year was the most soul sucking / earth shattering / eye opening one of my life'/ 2020 sucks/ 2020 > 2021. While i generally disagree with such statements, I am going to make a categorical one myself right now. At this moment.
2021 was the most challenging year of my life.
I think it started well enough. I was in peak comfort zone personally, professionally and socially. I loved how everything was but didn't want anything to change and I definitely didn't want to push myself. You know what they say- If you don't, life will.
and life did.
Nothing that dramatic really. I just contracted a mild case of COVID in the second wave. I was and am lucky that nothing devastatingly permanent happened in my life. However, I was in a prolonged home isolation with myself for 21 days and that did the trick.
The thing is I like many others don't like to think about the 'big stuff'. I like it to keep it light and 'cash-ual' and keep flowing through life like that runner in temple run. Truth is whenever I have thought about my plans for my future or think too hard about anything of substance I get into a full blown existential crisis mode. This is true since 2007 and I am just 25 y'all. Do the math.
When you look at something for too long it loses all meaning. Look at any word for too long it just looks and feels wrong! That's what happened when I started thinking about life in general.
Almost 3 years of life done after college, suddenly you realise life has no institutional structure. You can do anything you want with life. No one to tell you what to do. This realisation was terribly exciting for like 5 seconds before it turned terrifying.
Then I started discovering ways to just control myself and not think about things. That went well for all of 2 months before shit hit the roof lol The longer you contain the pressure inside the bigger the blast will be.
Don't worry. There is a light at the end of tunnel for this tale of doom and gloom. (even though it just might be the headlights of an oncoming train)
I survived all of the crippling anxiety and tension by making conscious good choices. Actions speak louder than thoughts. Doing is moving. By the last quarter of the year I was in such a good place mentally that I took my abrupt job change in stride (with teeny amounts of deserved drama) and can look back at this year with gratitude.
I feel like I have matured considerably this year. The fact that I didn't flinch by the word mature itself is a hint. (lol) I am ready to take on bigger commitments without flipping out. I thank all the humans who helped me get to this point. Y'all know who you are. I couldn't
P for Pain
P
is for pain,
is
also for pleasure.
That
drop of blood
Which
is supposed to torment me
Actually
excites me
excruciatingly
enough
P
is actually for perspective
What
pain is for a masochist.
Pain
is the paint
I
brush my body (heart) with
So
that I don’t have to
Process
my pertinent emotions.
Pain
is the feeling I embrace
The
bruise which I keep on picking
A
gift which keeps on giving.
The
obvious physical pain of
Broken
bones
The
odious psychological pain of
Broken
homes
I
embrace it after all
only because
I don’t know how to exist
as a person
Without pain
at all.
When I was a kid I remember reading
this famous mahabharatha story on Karna and parasurama. Karna a Kshatriya lies
to Parasurama that he is a bhramin to get trained in archery and stuff.
Parasurama is very pleased with him. One day when parasurama was like napping
in Karna’s lap, a scorpion bites through karna and he doesn’t flinch ( not
wanting to disturb his mentor’s beauty sleep ) His hotheaded mentor
wakes up due to the blood trickling down on him and instead of being touched by
his pupil’s devotion realizes that his disciple can’t be a weak bhramin and
must be a strong Kshatriya to withstand such pain. And curses karna. That’s the
end of the story. You heard me right. You can read a more proper version of
this story here.
Firstly, how flawed and cool is
mahabharatha lol love it infinitely more than the boring Ramayana ( Don’t come
at me haters)
Secondly, this story is pretty dark,
I’m glad I didn’t understand the overtly casteist nature of this story when I
was young.
What I am focusing on today and what
has been running in my head is the fundamentally toxic guru-sishya bond which
is so revered in our country and which is so firmly embedded in our mind that even
acts of cutting your thumb (ekalavya I’m looking at you) , withstanding
scorpion bites may not be sufficient to gain your ‘guru’s’ appreciation. And you just need to keep trying
harder. Anything remotely resembling labour law is seen as a favour done to you.
Having no work life balance is glorified. Even the good ones act like they’re
performing charity. I remember an office
where my friend worked Monday to Sundays at – they used to say how lucky he was
that he was even getting paid. I am not just talking out of personal experience.
Sadly, I see workplace exploitation and burnout in all fields including but not
limited to medicine,engineering,C.As, architects….basically my whole friend
list is one unhappy overworked mess and no one seems to acknowledge that the
system is rigged. They just blame the individual as whiny or a ‘millenial’ *sigh*
(359 words)
