Breathe

Completed 12 years of blogging last week :) 

As Shattered promises of tomorrow

Splattered all over my bedroom

I pulled out my pipe

Decided to exhale smoke

Rather than inhale hubris

for a change.

And listened to the tunes of yesterday

Since history is doomed to repeat itself

Maybe this once

it will bloom by itself.

Any which way

I am not going anywhere

I have nowhere to be

Except be me in this moment

Right now.

And inhale in all the terrible glory

Exhale all the grime and gory

Soaking in the momentousness of surviving today.

2021

 

We as humans have a tendency to believe that the current moment we live in is the most important/momentous/worst one. So much so that we tend to look at our 5minutesback self more rosily  than our present self. This peculiar trait is amplified the most when we post stuff like 'this year was the most soul sucking / earth shattering / eye opening one of my life'/ 2020 sucks/ 2020 > 2021. While i generally disagree with such statements, I am going to make a categorical one myself right now. At this moment. 

2021 was the most challenging year of my life. 

I think it started well enough. I was in peak comfort zone personally, professionally and socially. I loved how everything was but didn't want anything to change and I definitely didn't want to push myself. You know what they say- If you don't, life will. 

and life did. 

Nothing that dramatic really. I just contracted a mild case of COVID  in the second wave. I was and am lucky that nothing devastatingly permanent happened in my life. However, I was in a prolonged home isolation with myself for 21 days and that did the trick. 

The thing is I like many others don't like to think about the 'big stuff'. I like it to keep it light and 'cash-ual' and keep flowing through life like that runner in temple run. Truth is whenever I have thought about my plans for my future or think too hard  about anything of substance I get into a full blown existential crisis mode. This is true since 2007 and I am just 25 y'all. Do the math.

When you look at something for too long it loses all meaning. Look at any word for too long it just looks and feels wrong! That's what happened when I started thinking about life in general. 

 Almost 3 years of life done after college, suddenly you realise life has no institutional structure. You can do anything you want with life. No one to tell you what to do. This realisation was terribly exciting for like 5 seconds before it turned terrifying. 

Then I started discovering ways to just control myself and not think about things. That went well for all of 2 months before shit hit the roof lol The longer you contain the pressure inside the bigger the blast will be.

Don't worry. There is a light at the end of tunnel for this tale of doom and gloom. (even though it just might be the headlights of an oncoming train) 

I survived all of the crippling anxiety and tension by making conscious good choices. Actions speak louder than thoughts. Doing is moving. By the last quarter of the year I was in such a good place mentally that I took my abrupt job change in stride (with teeny amounts of deserved drama) and can look back at this year with gratitude. 

I feel like I have matured considerably this year. The fact that I didn't flinch by the word mature itself is a hint. (lol) I am ready to take on bigger commitments without flipping out. I thank all the humans who helped me get to this point. Y'all know who you are. I couldn't 

If i were to die soon

 

Credits : Deviant Art

If I were to die soon

It would be probably be my greatest undoing

At the peak of my youth

I may have succumbed to a bit too many

Seductive sins.

Maybe it was just the lightning

Since I am a rod to one too many 

frightful happenings.

I would say sorry to all my darlings,

I have definitely lived well

A frog in a peaceful pond

I am not averse to the urban land.

The skies however make me giddy,

Motion sickness has made to not look up

So far.

I have definitely lived well

And I look forward to what comes up

Beyond life as well.

Will there still be a I?

Will this I look into the god’s eye

Or just be a digit in the proverbial pi?

I am ready to find out

Not just right now!

Loved this prompt from the Poets and story tellers united where they challenged us all to picture ourselves in our deathbed!

 

Ludo Queen

So in lieu of my recent continued obsession with the game ‘Ludo King’, I have come to the conclusion that life is very similar to a game of  Ludo. Most people think it is the oversimplistic Snakes and ladders and a few would like to think that it is a complicated game of chess. The fact is that while in Snakes and Ladders we have ZERO control of the game and we are essentially leaving it to chance , in chess we are the masters of our own destiny. Neither situation really reflects life as it is.

 

Life like I said is a game of Ludo. It is the culmination of a seemingly predictable algorithm coupled with pure roll of the dice and strategic movement of your tokens. There are 2 ways to play it – either aggressively look to take out your opponent’s tokens to move forward or play the safe game and focus on the moves which will lead you to not be killed. It is fight or flee all over again. But again it is a question of responding to what the situation demands of you. Sometimes if you chicken out of taking the token which is right in front of you , others might start attacking you thinking you are a weakling . Or sometimes, while all your tokens are in the safe zone guarded by luck you might get cocky and try to grab what is not yours and end up back in square one.

 

So don’t be a cock or a chicken. Be your own wonderful self! Trust your instinct always. The gut always seems to process past defeats in a better fashion than your logical brain .

Earn your coins , enjoy the journey however tumultuous it gets. If all your tokens are back in the hut , don’t give up automatically. Atleast in the algorithm based universe perseverance has a price. Remember, giving up never has no upside! Also remember that this is just some elaborate game and it makes no sense to take it so seriously. Death might just be the end of a simulation for all we know. Okay. I am going to stop typing now :P

 

(365 words)

Karpagam gardens

So , I went on a walk today.

Roads which  once bustled with robust activity

The Covid addled streets were empty.

I was in search of a pharmacy

Which sells Coca Cola.

Yes , I am well aware of the irony.

 

As I was walking in the main road

I saw an ambulance racing past me.

I always worry a bit about my oldest relatives

After I see that despicable life saving vehicle.

Gave a mental prayer.

Alas! A van with an empty ice box followed it.

 

Mood properly ruined,

I whispered curses to myself and

Switched to a tiny lane,

Hoping for calmness rather calamity

In smaller streets.

 

That’s when I heard a loud male voice

Shouting with all his lungs in hindi,

On how she had tortured him for the past 2 months

On very damn thing!

And it reverberated through the streets

Even when I was fast walking away..

 

Now thoroughly pissed with myself

For not just staying home and

Running out of stamina

I reached the end of the street.

There I saw a couple play badminton

Like we are in the middle of some summer holidays

And thought maybe corona IS

A vacation for the rich.

 

My cynical view was somewhat defeated

When I was nearing the pharmacy

And saw this cute cat

Stretching itself in the middle of the road.

Maybe all will be fine if I just chilled a bit

And stop constantly worrying so much?

 

Maybe peace is something to search inwards for

In the turbulent waves of my heart

Rather than in the rosy exteriors of my neigborhood?

Happy with my midstreet epiphany

I bought some aerated slow poison and

delicious diabetic inducing treats

and made my way back home.

 

 

 

 

Bottle Tree

Alas! 

I am just a glass bottle hanging from a tree, 

oscillating in an orbit of pain

to the tune of my circumstances.

My emotions are somewhere sealed

inside that airtight bottle,

I think they are transparent

But ofcourse!

They are actually invisible to the onlooker.

And he asks,

What are you a glass bottle doing

clinging on to a bare tree?

I'm better off with my fellow bottle mates.

But once our paths collide,

Won't we just crash and break 

and let loose that noxious subtance 

which man calls love and

I call pain?

Written for Sunday muse's picture prompt.

The Secret

By Samyuktha J

my response to the book I'm reading which really pissed me off with serendipity and positive thinking when what the world needs right now is constructive action. 

A picture speaks a 1000 words

An action speaks a 100 thoughts

How you treat your mother

speaks more than your tweets

On Feminism.

So rise and shine

And wake up to this universal truth

Packaged as a secret

To make you excited~

Action counts more than thoughts!

All the wishful thinking in the world

Will conspire against you

If you don’t walk the walk

Yellow brick road or not.

Serendipity may await the believer

At the end of the magical rainbow

Along with pots of gold.

Wash your face with the raindrops

And look at the reflection in the dirtypuddle

A lazy hypocrite praying without acting

Should not claim a windfall at all.

Also for Poet united's midweek motif The awakening

Golden Brown

All the gloss , glitter and glue

Cannot photoshop the sheer phobia

Lurking right beneath her skin

Forming a palpable layer,

They attack her

Only when no one is watching.

She seems so bold

But is actually quite brittle

Her quiet melancholy

Muddled by her extensive cacophony.

She is indeed a prisoner of her own device

Trapped in bravado

She just wants to cry.

Yet when her man is watching

She cannot let him see

If the truth is really exposed

Won’t he just flee?

Better to break it off

And be the bitch

Than take it off

And be his bitch.

Of course it is all very problematic

But who are we to judge?

We all mask our frail insecurities

 marinate them with worry &

deep fry it till it becomes golden brown.

Inner Goddess

(Of peace )

Others

Living on the mandate of others

Is basically Life imprisonment

Yet we all bear through it

All Smiles through a gritted teeth.

A rite of passage of course

To come unscathed through the other side

Full of sudden wisdom and cryptic cynicism

Silently afraid to cut these choking umbilical chords

Nourishment and community and all

Convincing ourselves this is what it is

To Be Human,

Taking the place of the Others

Who won and lost

Losing our wonder

And wondering what we lost-

The essence of being ourselves

The hyenas feed on our soul

Only when it is exposed

Keep it intact tightly within you

Guard it like a watchdog

Fundamental rights and all.

Worship it like a temple and

Pray you don’t lose yourself

For the call of others

Whatever may be the cost.

Solo

Solo

Melancholy strings madly strumming like a guitar

Carnivorous id ravishing my morality from deep within

Inverted sleep cycles make me question reality

A madwoman NOT at work

I play a multi note orchestra  

To the current people of my life

Friends and family run fast

Away or Towards

I’m not sure.

 I have sat in silence too long

To continue the arrangement

Where I move my mouth

And you sing my song.

I will sing till

my larynx tears

Your eardrum.

The blood that will fall

Is a pittance compared to the pain

You so casually caused

So listen to me

Sing my glorious solo  

With my mistakes and all

And this time

Judge me

for who I really am. 

Puddle

Mirror Mirror!

Cry me a river

The translucent teardrops

Are actually from my forehead

Nothing but stinky fruits of my labour.

The beads of perspiration form

An amoebic puddle

Modern art

Won’t sell for a penny today

Investment for tomorrow you see.

On it,

I see myself of yesterday

A cartoon faced kid

Who wanted to be a detective ,

Kaleidoscopic dance

Ripples of time,

Myself of Today

An adultish looking person

Staring at pools and puddles

Wanting to dream again.

Written for Poet's united Midweek Motif 'Mirror'

Fly

When you delete more than you write

It means you aren’t letting yourself fly.

Fear of falling and all the eyeballing

Constraints of prompts

Ideas not blossoming into posts

Clogging of words

Maybe too much powder with too less water

Makes it all too mushy

The word flows only when the thoughts and the passion

Are in right proportion.

But every idea needs its own recipe

And you find it only if you make it up as you go along

So fear not oh heart of mine!

Make mistakes

And stop all the deleting.

It’s very annoying.

Start flying~

The Green coloured building

Blanket of nostalgia

Wrapped me tightly

Like a burrito

When I woke up today.

Past memories weighed me down

Go back to sleep they said

Relive those joyous days

Their glory finally acknowledged

Faces of friends

Spaces I hung out

Their authentic traces intact

Beckon me home

Ships eventually sail

Drop the anchor now and then

Thirsty for mirage

I drink salt water

It is better to revisit the green coloured building

In my head

The paths and persons more familiar and friendly

So I shut my eyes tightly.

Good night! 

Also : My juvenile post on farewell to the green coloured building is here 

It is my old school - BVM. Sometimes I get strong dreams about my school life and hope that I can relive them. I'm pretty sure I will appreciate it more this time around.

The deep blue ocean

Sue Heck.

I have watched around 4 seasons of The Middle now and one character who fascinates me is Sue Heck. On paper , she is a stereotypical beliebing teenager who likes pink and who is what people may typically refer to as a ‘dork’. She tries out for everything and almost never makes any team. And that is what astounds everyone – Sue’s indomitable spirit. She NEVER gives up. Even when she sucks at it. Sometimes to her own detriment.

I am kind of her opposite. More like her tired Mother of three , Frankie. Frankie quits things when they get too tough. She plays out what ‘will’ happen in her head , arrives at her own foregone conclusion and quits. It is pretty sad considering that Frankie is in her mid Forties and that I have just started my Twenties.

Law school does that to you.

However , my slightly skewered to my favour contention is that , while being a Frankie is a big NO , aren’t we all really more Frankie than Sue? And what is wrong with quitting with something you are horrible at anyways?

Ok I sound lazy. Let me rephrase.

Isn’t being a Sue all the time a bit crazy and over virtuous? Knowing when to stop is  important too right? Using valuable time and resource running a cross country race which is already over by the time you have gotten up from your first mistake is just stupid. I know ‘participation is more important than winning’ and all , but sometimes smart work is better than hard work.

We are trying to be sharks in this ocean called competition but what if we are Harry Potter in his second task in the triwizard tournament without some Gillyweed? Totally useless. Is it better to drown than be equipped? Sometimes we know that we come to know that our oxygen cylinder is empty only after we jump in , we can never be pre equipped , we can’t just hope to life of pi our life away , waiting for a life jacket or divine intervention.

OR maybe that’s the difference? People with faith in a higher power tough it out in belief that they get rewarded in the end? Is this whole thing called life about that? Gritting your teeth through hurdles hoping for the light from above or any small sign?

So people who don’t believe are doomed from the beginning? So is faith going to be my gillyweed or am I just going to have to pre equipped and at my best if I am incapable of such massive trust in something I have no clue about?

What is your gillyweed gonna be?

As you can see I am more of questions than answers here. No I haven’t read many books by thinkers. I wanna reach there myself. And you are free to speculate with me in the comments column.