2021

 

We as humans have a tendency to believe that the current moment we live in is the most important/momentous/worst one. So much so that we tend to look at our 5minutesback self more rosily  than our present self. This peculiar trait is amplified the most when we post stuff like 'this year was the most soul sucking / earth shattering / eye opening one of my life'/ 2020 sucks/ 2020 > 2021. While i generally disagree with such statements, I am going to make a categorical one myself right now. At this moment. 

2021 was the most challenging year of my life. 

I think it started well enough. I was in peak comfort zone personally, professionally and socially. I loved how everything was but didn't want anything to change and I definitely didn't want to push myself. You know what they say- If you don't, life will. 

and life did. 

Nothing that dramatic really. I just contracted a mild case of COVID  in the second wave. I was and am lucky that nothing devastatingly permanent happened in my life. However, I was in a prolonged home isolation with myself for 21 days and that did the trick. 

The thing is I like many others don't like to think about the 'big stuff'. I like it to keep it light and 'cash-ual' and keep flowing through life like that runner in temple run. Truth is whenever I have thought about my plans for my future or think too hard  about anything of substance I get into a full blown existential crisis mode. This is true since 2007 and I am just 25 y'all. Do the math.

When you look at something for too long it loses all meaning. Look at any word for too long it just looks and feels wrong! That's what happened when I started thinking about life in general. 

 Almost 3 years of life done after college, suddenly you realise life has no institutional structure. You can do anything you want with life. No one to tell you what to do. This realisation was terribly exciting for like 5 seconds before it turned terrifying. 

Then I started discovering ways to just control myself and not think about things. That went well for all of 2 months before shit hit the roof lol The longer you contain the pressure inside the bigger the blast will be.

Don't worry. There is a light at the end of tunnel for this tale of doom and gloom. (even though it just might be the headlights of an oncoming train) 

I survived all of the crippling anxiety and tension by making conscious good choices. Actions speak louder than thoughts. Doing is moving. By the last quarter of the year I was in such a good place mentally that I took my abrupt job change in stride (with teeny amounts of deserved drama) and can look back at this year with gratitude. 

I feel like I have matured considerably this year. The fact that I didn't flinch by the word mature itself is a hint. (lol) I am ready to take on bigger commitments without flipping out. I thank all the humans who helped me get to this point. Y'all know who you are. I couldn't 

All that angst

 

The Scream by Edvard Munch

Mood - I don't wanna be by Gavin DeGraw

I studied the Geography of the room I lived in,

Every crevice and corner

Couldn’t comfort me enough.

I kept wanting more

How much is really enough?

How big do you want your cage to be?

Animal size?

Room size?

Street Size?

Earth Size?

WE will always feel imprisoned,

if that is what we truly want to be.

We will always wish to be a bird

Only to be greeted with its turd.  

We are bound by certain chains

Which makes us human,

Why not wear it as the jewel

It possibly is

Rather than choke ourselves

With all that angst?

By 

Samyuktha Semi Jayaprakash

Second Wave

 As I am sitting home testing positive for COVID, all i can think of is this virus. I am writing for the being hunted theme of Poets and Storytellers united. This Second wave has been devastating, so many of my friends and family are positive and admitted. Do your part and stay home and follow the lockdown guidelines and donate to those in need if you can. 

How do you run from a virus?

It is in the air I breathe,

The Food I eat,

The words we speak and

The fear we breed.

 

All I had to do was stay home,

But too late I have it now.

The second wave has crashed India

With a sickening spell

All I can do is watch,

Already infected,

From the comforts of my home.

While I watch my country be persecuted

By a pernicious pandemic,

Preying on the poor and the privileged  alike.

 

Virus does not discriminate,

But people definitely do.

While some of us stay at home,

Others beg for beds, oxygen and then some.

 

This is the time to for the former

Predator and prey to join hands,

Make astute amends &

Bring this pandemic to a hopeful end.

 

The third wave Is already waiting for us,

What are we waiting for?                          

Blames can be shifted after the fact,

Now is the time to act. 

 

 

Cuckoo

 

Firmly rooted at the same spot

For Two decades and a half,

I was jealous of the monkey a lot.

Jumping between me and her

He wreaked havoc in my heart.

I yearned for bold adventure

Till one day he snapped me in half.

 

Then I began developing slow respect

For this lovely bird,

Who was content to perch on me

He enjoyed my silence &

I his comforting baritone.

He decided to call me home

And nested in my bosom.

 

We would watch double rainbows

And hilarious humans

With equal interest.

 

It was magical while it lasted

But he was a bird and I a tree,

One day I had to set him free

To migrate to new places

Will he come back?

And when he does

Do I want him back?

 

Soon I’ll be old

And I live in India

They will tie ropes on me

And start calling me goddess

And worship my bareness

Call me wise &

Never let me rise.

 

Or worse

They will forget me

And the clouds will stop cooperating

They will cut me with their axes

And make me into a table

Or whatever the hell they want.

Oh god I hope not!

 

We are what we believe

And I believe I hear in my green ears

The handsome music of tomorrow ~

 

Mask on

 Following is a real conversation I had with my clerk on Covid and masks!

Me: Now that I have given you the money you asked for can you please complete the work on time? The clients are super anxious.

Devraj: Sure ma’am. Have faith in me.

Me: Okay. Bye!

(Me moving to the parking lot)

Devraj: Ma’am will you please take my advice on an unrelated matter. In work you are my senior but in life I am much senior to you…

Me: Sure sir.

(making a mental checklist of all the things I messed up in the last month)

Devraj: Don’t wear a mask ma’am. It is bad for your health

*ok that is not there on any sane checklist*

Me: (laughed nervously) what?!

Devraj: See my lips they have become allergic where the masks have cut.

Me: You must have tied in too tightly. Get one your size. Do you want to die of corona?!

Devraj: Ma’am don’t take it the wrong way but I don’t believe in corona. Have you seen it with your eyes.

Me: Sir! It is not something you can choose to believe in like god. It is science actual facts. Do you think our government which you admit is useless will go to such lengths to protect us from a non existent virus.

Devraj: It is all a scam ma’am. Just another way to take money from the poor and stop us from working.

Me: (trying to find a way to make him understand) Sir, I know the last one year has been very difficult income wise. But isn’t it the same reason you should be more cautious. I know you have 4 children to take care of. Wearing a mask is just the cheapest way to keep you safe from the virus.

Devraj: There is no virus ma’am. It is just common cold. People with asthma always have breathing problem. This is all unnecessary hype.

Me: Sir, my own mother had corona a few months back. She didn’t even have the symptoms you were talking of. But there were some parameters in her blood test like IL6 which were triple what they should be. If we had left it unchecked she had a definite chance of stroke or heart attack.

Devraj: (mumbling to himself) I didn’t read about this side effect anywhere.

Me: …..and even assuming corona is some hyped up common cold, if you enter a hospital be assured that you will be charged a bomb and you would have wished you wore that 20 Rs mask.

Devraj: but public hospitals..

Me: No buts. I know you are going to say government hospitals are free. I also know how you and a lot of people including my own grandmother feel that you won’t come back alive if you go into one. That is by the way very untrue. The corporation took excellent care of us when my mom was unwell and we all had to home isolate.

Full on monologue mode now

I know you have every reason to mistrust the institutions in this country. The politicians, the hospitals, the country. But believe me when I say corona is real. And Also if you don’t wear a mask in front of me or remove it while talking I will not give you any more work. Your belief should not hurt me!

Devraj: Okay ma’am. Since you are saying so much I will wear a mask from now on.

Me: Also wear it to cover your nose not your chin. I am saying this because I care about your life. You are moving in the Courts every day and meeting 100s of people who think like this. Protect yourself!

Devraj: Okay ma’am. Mask on from now on. Thank you.

Me: No I should Thank you!

 

A new hope

 

Collective bad dreams

Spit us out of our

Stupified sleeps.

 

Denuded desires,

Chasing the ghosts of

Gone glories.

 

Midnight oil burned,

Moody mindscapes

Caught frozen in

picturesque landscapes.

 

I didn’t know what to do,

But she stood with me

With a lamp in her hand

And somehow that was enough.

Written for the Sunday muse and PU's Sunday pantry. Based it out of the struggle my team is going through this season. 

Wanderlust

Once upon a time

Being a wanderlust

Was seen as a mental disorder

By flat earthers

(irony duly noted)

 

Then we had the likes of Columbus

Find his ‘India’

And kill a lot many Indians

In the inane name of ‘colonialisation’

And killed many a civilisation

In the name of observation.

(irony again noted)

 

Then came the modern ages

Where every instagrammer

Pronounced themselves a wanderlust

And travelled the roads always taken

As long as they got a selfie

And a pic for their tinder bio.

 

Out of the corner of the eye

In a lorry packed with explosives

Came in crazy corona.

Travel was now confined to

The end of our streets

And inside our eye

Where the mind meets

And give us little treats

From the camera of the past

To vacations visited last

And memories gone by fast.

 

Home which was once a retreat

Has now become a place of deceit

Where we now work and relax not

Suddenly our third eye and an old map

Is all we got!  

 

Written for Sunday muse and Writer's Pantry

Ludo Queen

So in lieu of my recent continued obsession with the game ‘Ludo King’, I have come to the conclusion that life is very similar to a game of  Ludo. Most people think it is the oversimplistic Snakes and ladders and a few would like to think that it is a complicated game of chess. The fact is that while in Snakes and Ladders we have ZERO control of the game and we are essentially leaving it to chance , in chess we are the masters of our own destiny. Neither situation really reflects life as it is.

 

Life like I said is a game of Ludo. It is the culmination of a seemingly predictable algorithm coupled with pure roll of the dice and strategic movement of your tokens. There are 2 ways to play it – either aggressively look to take out your opponent’s tokens to move forward or play the safe game and focus on the moves which will lead you to not be killed. It is fight or flee all over again. But again it is a question of responding to what the situation demands of you. Sometimes if you chicken out of taking the token which is right in front of you , others might start attacking you thinking you are a weakling . Or sometimes, while all your tokens are in the safe zone guarded by luck you might get cocky and try to grab what is not yours and end up back in square one.

 

So don’t be a cock or a chicken. Be your own wonderful self! Trust your instinct always. The gut always seems to process past defeats in a better fashion than your logical brain .

Earn your coins , enjoy the journey however tumultuous it gets. If all your tokens are back in the hut , don’t give up automatically. Atleast in the algorithm based universe perseverance has a price. Remember, giving up never has no upside! Also remember that this is just some elaborate game and it makes no sense to take it so seriously. Death might just be the end of a simulation for all we know. Okay. I am going to stop typing now :P

 

(365 words)

Karpagam gardens

So , I went on a walk today.

Roads which  once bustled with robust activity

The Covid addled streets were empty.

I was in search of a pharmacy

Which sells Coca Cola.

Yes , I am well aware of the irony.

 

As I was walking in the main road

I saw an ambulance racing past me.

I always worry a bit about my oldest relatives

After I see that despicable life saving vehicle.

Gave a mental prayer.

Alas! A van with an empty ice box followed it.

 

Mood properly ruined,

I whispered curses to myself and

Switched to a tiny lane,

Hoping for calmness rather calamity

In smaller streets.

 

That’s when I heard a loud male voice

Shouting with all his lungs in hindi,

On how she had tortured him for the past 2 months

On very damn thing!

And it reverberated through the streets

Even when I was fast walking away..

 

Now thoroughly pissed with myself

For not just staying home and

Running out of stamina

I reached the end of the street.

There I saw a couple play badminton

Like we are in the middle of some summer holidays

And thought maybe corona IS

A vacation for the rich.

 

My cynical view was somewhat defeated

When I was nearing the pharmacy

And saw this cute cat

Stretching itself in the middle of the road.

Maybe all will be fine if I just chilled a bit

And stop constantly worrying so much?

 

Maybe peace is something to search inwards for

In the turbulent waves of my heart

Rather than in the rosy exteriors of my neigborhood?

Happy with my midstreet epiphany

I bought some aerated slow poison and

delicious diabetic inducing treats

and made my way back home.

 

 

 

 

What once was

  

We are plagued by memories

By what once was

Ours to cherish

But not cherished.

 

To collaborate with &

Not compete against.

To break a for given bond

Without any thought given

Absent mindedly

Like how dusts of disinterest and distance

Began to gather over us

Together.

 

But we are still friends,

Still as dead water.

Of silent tears

Which were (never) cried.

 

Liquid Heart

 

 ##skylover wordlist - Alchemy , implacable , knight , aqua , mask , aloof , almond , nocturnal , landscape , sting.

 

 

These nocturnal mornings..

A product of virus induced,

Unstable raging routines

Sting me just a bit more when

It dawns upon me that,

 

My knight in shining whatever

Will find it just a bit more impossible

To track me down.

My face covered with equal measures

Aloofness & N97 masks.

 

My implacable heart demands

An alchemy of sorts

Or atleast a reverse osmosis

Of this aquatic almond

In the centre of my chest,

 

To leak the leanings of my liquid heart

Unto the larger landscape

And hope love finds me

Before it is a bit too late.

 

I thank Kerry for her monthly word list. That really inspired me and I ended up incorporating all the words to make one poem.